Escaping the Hotel Lounge

How often do you make a major life choice? No, deciding what to have for dinner doesn’t count.

How often do you even review what your choices are? Or are you driving on auto pilot through life? Sometimes the status quo, no matter how miserable it makes you, is the only choice you can see. But unless you are in prison, which is designed to remove the luxury of choice from the prisoner, you do have choices. They aren’t necessarily going to be easy choices. In fact making important, life altering decisions is a distinctly uncomfortable experience.

The reality is that being unsettled by our choices is one of the main reasons that we put up with situations that make us unhappy. Passivity is a growing modern phenomenon as we struggle with indecision. The making of the “wrong” decision feels so much more dangerous than opting out and making no decision at all. This is bullshit!

For one, living in a perpetual hotel lounge is the only consistently wrong choice you can make. It will wear you down. Your abilities to make a decision will atrophy. Eventually you simply won’t be able to find your way out for want of being able to even see the exit sign.

Secondly, while you live in your passive little bubble, people in the world around you are making choices and these will impact you. Change is inevitable. You can either be its victim or its champion.

I have recently had choice forced upon me. I have to move out of my comfortable little house in Sydney. Louis and I have 2 months to find a new place to call home. The initial trauma was horrible. I’m not an agent of change, particularly if that change is disruptive to my day-to-day life. I reacted the only way I know how. I started to research all my options. The house hunt began in earnest within minutes of my being given the news. I didn’t stop to analyse my choices, I scrambled frantically to keep my life exactly how it was. I wanted to find a new home, quick smart, move in and carry on as usual.

Lucky for me, my initial research yielded little success (don’t get me started on anti-pet buildings). This meant that the decision making part of my brain had a chance to be heard. It made me stop my search, just for now. It has made me realise that there are a lot of things that I need to review. I suddenly realised that I had a lot more choices than I realised if I was brave enough to look at them all.

So that is what I’m in the process of doing. It is a very unsettling experience. I find that I have a lot of nervous energy that I didn’t have before. Now that I’m properly using my brain, my body is awake. I’m also much more aware of what makes me happy and what doesn’t.

In fact, I could say that I’m living a much more mindful life. While I may not know where I’ll be living in just over 2 months from now, I have the courage to weigh up my options and make the right choice for me. Once I’ve made those choices and followed them wherever they might take me, I’ll tell you all about it.

I leave you now to live your lives mindfully. I hope you find it as invigorating as I do.

Short Story: Time Travel, Baby Sisters and Hobbits

At school they make us write about what it means to be Australian and stuff. That’s cos I’m an Australian. So is my mum. My Dad is what we call a Pom. He isn’t from Pomland but a place called England. England is so far away that they are backwards in time, which makes it complicated when Dad is trying to phone them cos he has to pick a time that works in the past as well as now.

I’ve never been there but Dad has decided that we are all going to go this Summer cos he wants us to meet our pom family properly, cos talking through the video on the computer doesn’t count.

I’m not sure about it cos Mum says it never stops raining and the trains never come. Sitting at stations and getting wet sounds rubbish. I’d rather go to the beach but Dad has promised that I can use his enormous umbrella that pops open when you press the button. It is a really cool umbrella. If Batman had an umbrella it would be like this one cos it’s black and has the turbo charged open button.

Course going back in time will be cool too. I’ll know what’s going to happen but I won’t tell no one cos that might change history and stuff like in the movies. Messing up the space time continumum is bad and you can end up not existing cos you change things and are never born and stuff.

Mum seems worried about the trip. I asked if she was worried about me changing the space time continumum, cos she didn’t need to worry cos I knew about stuff like that and would be careful but she told me to stop being silly. This is what she always says when she is only half listening and thinking about something else. I can tell cos her eyes don’t look at me.

I heard her shouting at Dad and she is worried about 24 hours on an aeroplane with 3 kids. I don’t know why she is worried cos Dad told me all about aeroplanes and they sound cool. He says you can watch movies and play games and other cool stuff without leaving your seat, it is all in the ‘puter on your seat. It will be like we each have our own IPad, I won’t need to fight with my sister Charlie to use Dad’s.

Dad has told her not to worry, that Mabel will be fine. Mabel is my baby sister. She isn’t big like me and Charlie so she can’t play games or watch movies. All Mabel does all day is blow spit bubbles, fart really loudly and do smelly things in her nappy that my mum has to clean up. She can do that on the aeroplane too, no worries. Sometimes she cries too but normally that is cos she wants you to plug a dummy in her mouth. Babies are easy.

It will be a waste really cos she won’t be able to ‘preciate the time travel or her own ‘puter with games and movies. Sometimes she stares for ages at cuddly toys going round and round over her head and she even laughs. I was worried that she was stupid but mum got cross with me for saying that and told me that I was just like Mabel once too.

I don’t remember being that little but I’ve seen photos so it must be true. I asked Mum if I farted as much as Mabel does but she just said “Oh Georgie” with a big sigh, which means that I’ve just said something wrong. She does this a lot.

My best friend Tom isn’t coming with us cos his parents are taking him to the red centre. The red centre is in the middle of Australia and is really cool cos it looks like Mars so Tom is going to explore and look for new life. He’s going to be a famous scientist one day, he told me so.

Tom thinks my time travel trip is cool but he thinks it’s weird we’re going backwards. If he was time travelling he’d go to the future. I asked Dad if we could go to the future instead but he just laughed and said we’d go to New Zealand another time.

I thought this was really weird cos I learned about New Zealand at school and they never said it’s in the future. All they told us is that it has lots of volcanoes and sheep and hobbits. That is a rubbish future. Really in the future there should be future people dressed in silver with lots of cool stuff we don’t have yet.

I don’t think Dad was being properly truthful about New Zealand being in the future. I think he was adult lying. Adult lying isn’t like Kid lying cos you get in trouble for kid lying but adult lying is ok. It is OK cos with adult lying the other adults know the adult is lying and they laugh cos it is like a big lie that is actually a joke. A bit like stories which aren’t true but aren’t lying either cos they are just a story. So maybe Dad is telling me a story about New Zealand being in the future.

One day I’ll get Dad to take me to the future, the proper future not some story future that is full of short people with hairy feet.

Home is...

... where the heart is?

... where your stuff is?

... the address financial institutions and banks have for you?

... wherever you lay your hat?

... where the cat is?

Frankly I don't know. Is the answer to the question of home as simple as a single address? I've got at least two homes right now. Some might call that greedy but a heart shared across 2 countries isn't as fun as it might sound.

Going back to England recently was a great opportunity to catch up with family, friends and felines. I had a fabulous time, but there’s no escaping that it was an emotional roller coaster: each exuberant hello was followed far too soon by sad goodbyes. That is the reality of choosing to live on the other side of the planet. The time you get to spend with those you left in your home of origin is far too fleeting. That was the sacrifice I made.

Why would I do that? What is so special about this new life I’ve built for myself? Well it took time but I adjusted and I nested. I made friends, created new routines, adopted pets, started writing again and one day I woke and realised that I love this new life. It suits who I am now. Living alone so far from where I grew up forced me to custom build my life to suit who I am today.

Sometimes you can feel rootless because you've lost the comfortable short hand of years of shared experiences. It can feel as if people don't know who you really are, because they didn’t see the evolution for themselves. At the same time this can be liberating. There are no assumptions based on the old "yesterday" you.

We are all works in progress, we need to change but sometimes we don't let ourselves. Maybe that is where my urge to move to the land of far far away came from. I am more guilty than most of not just getting stuck but wallowing in a rut. I needed to shake things up and as I never do things by half measures I now live in Australia (new home) and only get to visit England (original home) every other year.

I definitely shook things up. In fact I had a much needed mental collapse. I had buried trauma beneath the rubble of stress and routine for years, but finding me distracted by a new environment it managed to sneak to the surface. This was terrifying. I’ve never felt such darkness, the black dog bit me hard. Shortly after being diagnosed with acute depression my doctor told me that her patients who made it through this kind of breakdown often ended up being the strongest and most well adjusted people that she knew.

I’m not an advertisement for the obscenely well adjusted just yet but after 3 years I’m newly off the medication and so far the black dog is staying away. I like to think that Louis the cat wouldn’t be letting him visit for long if he did turn up. Frankly the life-sucking parasite depression isn’t welcome in any of my homes.

Photos: Top is Daisy May Dazzler resident cuddler in my London home. Below is Louis my Sydney home guard cat & incorrigible flirt

Ressort's Review of Recent Reads

I may have over-indulged with the alliteration in the title but I couldn't resist.

As I'm an avid reader I've decided that on occasion I will blog about some of the rather fabulous books that I've had the pleasure of spending time absorbed in. I've had a really good run of some really inspiring works. Here are the books that I've particularly enjoyed over the last few months:

The Seamstress by Frances de Pontes Peebles

This is a book I picked up because it was on sale. I discover a lot of new writers through the cut price book stalls you can find here in Australia. Sorry but the price of a brand new first hand book is obscene, particularly for someone who grew up in England (we're talking at least 3x the price people!! Insanity I tell you). So when I'm not throwing myself into the loving arms of a second hand bookshop (I believe there is magic captured within the walls of second hand bookshops, it ' the only way to explain the "lost time" phenomenon I experience when I walk into one), I'm finding bargains at book stalls where I've even been known to find works by Haruki Murakami (be still my beating heart)

This is all by the by in terms of the experience of reading The Seamstress but it does highlight how you can find gems in the most unexpected places, including a food hall in North Sydney.

The Seamstress is an epic novel of love, adventure and politics. Set in Brazil & spanning a period from 1928 to 1935, this books follows the two very different but intertwining stories of 2 sisters from a small village, who through some very dramatic circumstances lead very different lives. 1 ends up married into a wealthy family in a city, the other is kidnapped by rebel bandits and become one of them. This may all sound rather over the top but these two different lives are used to depict the political and social situation in Brazil across that period.

In both cases Frances de Pontes Peebles avoids the trap of over romanticising the lives of her protagonists, as both sisters are forced to grow up and face the harsh realities of life. This is not a swashbuckling novel for the faint-hearted but nor is it so brutal that you lose sympathy for the sisters.

For those that enjoy a meaty read that gives a really strong sense of place and period, with strong character development, the Seamstress if for you. I really enjoyed it and felt thoroughly satisfied when I finished the final pages.

The Girl with Glass Feet by Ali Shaw

This was another North Sydney food hall find. I bought this book because it was a first time novelist (as someone working on her own first novel, I love reading books by new writers). I could be mean and say I didn't completely fall in love with this novel, but that would be talent envy speaking.

I LOVED this book. I've now lent it to a friend and bought it for another and will keep spreading the word, even if everyone thinks I'm mad. I've even started to twitter stalk the author (well I follow @ali_shaw on twitter, which is kind of the point of twitter but it amuses me to think of myself as a twitter stalker - plus I need to be on top of when novel no 2 is going to be released into the universe for me to consume). All joking aside, a fan is born, and Ali Shaw has been added to my "must read" list of novelists. These are the novelists for which I will pay full price for their latest works at my local Australian bookshop, because I simply have to have the book then and there. This is a surprisingly short list which compromises Gabriel Garcia Marquez, Rupert Thomson, Haruki Murakami, Neil Gaiman, David Mitchell, Carlos Ruiz Zafon and Scarlett Thomas. (and yes if they're on twitter I follow them, unless they don't write in English that is cos my Japanese & Portugese is hopeless)

Why did I love Ali Shaw' first novel so much? Because it if was a colour it would a mysterious foggy grey/white. Because it fuses fantasy with reality in a way that doesn't feel forced or trite, but instead feels possible. As if suddenly turning to glass could happen to you.

He creates wonderful but wounded characters and weaves a web of secrets that will keep you hooked to the end. Not for those that struggle to suspend disbelief, The Girl with Glass Feet is a beautiful, haunting first novel that I'll be re-reading for years to come.

One Day by David Nicholls

I always approach critically acclaimed books with some trepidation. It is the same with films that everyone tells you are "simply amazing", the hype can put me off. So I hesitated before reading "One Day" but it lived up to the reviews.

What a wonderful read. I agree with the review by Jonathan Coe on the cover of my copy as "you really do put the book down with the hallucinatory feeling that they've become as well known to you as your closest friends"

What really made this an immensely satisfying read is the obvious warmth and affection that David Nicholls has for his protagonists even as he puts them through hell. They are not picture perfect people with sterile lives but very much inhabit the same flesh & blood world that we do.

The concept of catching up with them on the same day every year, could have easily felt forced and clunky but instead Nicholls makes the narrative fly. I was reluctant to close the final pages of a truly compassionate book about human nature and relationships. I think I would struggle to find someone who doesn't finish this novel feeling as if they really know Emma and Dexter, they are among the most well rounded characters I've ever had the pleasure to meet.

The Night Watch by Sarah Waters

I'm a big fan of Sarah Waters and positively devoured Little Stranger on my last holiday. I bought Night Watch as I was interested in catching up on her back catalogue.

As with One Day, The Night Watch has an unusual structure, in this case the narrative starts in 1947 and works back to 1941. As a reader who enjoys the "big reveal" of your standard chronology I was surprised by how much interest and tension Sarah Waters could create with a story that goes backwards.

Past events are hinted at, with the truth eventually revealed. Set in London starting after WWII before going back to the very vivid setting of the Blitz, The Night Watch follow 4 characters whose lives are linked across the 6 years of the story.

Kay, Helen, Viv and Duncan have all suffered as a result of not quite fitting into society. Going back in time we come to understand why Kay walks the streets alone dressed like man, why Helen is so obsessively jealous, why Viv continues to have an unsatisfactory affair with a married man and what is so wrong with Duncan.

As with many of Sarah Waters' books, sexual identity is a key underlying theme and one of the contributing factors that makes our four protagonists feel like outsiders.

I would recommend this book to pretty well anyone, unless you happen to be homophobic ( but as I don't seek out the company of narrow minded or intolerant people hoping that doesn't apply to any of my blog readers).

The End (for now... so many books, not enough time)

Conversation with a Moonbeam (a spot of flash fiction)

I talked to a moonbeam the other day. I lay in a field, the grass prickling my sun tarnished legs. I gazed up at the sky, squinting my eyes to catch the moonbeam mid flight as it rippled towards me.

I asked it questions that leapt like fish from the ocean of my mind

"where are you going?"

"where are you from?"

"can you see the future?"

"were you ever human too?"

The questions bubbled and frothed, bombarding the moonbeam. More & more spilt from me, slowing it until it stopped just above my head.

It seemed to ponder them all before caressing my face with its tentative light. The touch, as pure as silver weighted my eyes with sleep. In the world of dreams the moonbeam answered me with seductive slowness. Long pauses peppered the answers as it carefully examined the questions for their true meaning.

My soul sang at the answers. I could feel my body purring with the freedom of understanding. All mental barriers were knocked down one by one.

A fire came blazing through my dreams scattering the moonbeam and making my precious knowledge evaporate like dew.

Reaching out to grasp whatever remaining flakes I could my eyes burst open. The moon was gone, banished by an angry and jealous sun. The gift of understanding was scorched from my mind.

I thought I might cry but a sliver of silver remained. A moonbeam spoke to me, a truth that will survive the rational light of day.

Baby with the Bath Water

Welcome to my first post of 2011. As you may have noticed I took a blogging break over the silly season but now I’m back and primed to blog voraciously. Well, maybe voracious is too strong a word, but my determination to examine the events of my life is renewed following this rest from introspection.

So how are we all feeling about 2011? Do you have ambitious resolutions that will make you a more effective, bionic version of your 2010 selves? Have you fully embraced the New Year, New You frenzy that kicks in with a vengeance every January?

I haven’t. That is the short answer to my own questions. I don’t need to be a new, improved me. I don’t want to beat myself up for my “bad habits”. I don’t think that it is realistic to expect me to go from hedonist one day to healthy automaton the next. 1st January doesn’t signal a sudden switch in my behaviours. If only it were that easy.

Why would I want to set myself up for failure in 2011? I want to enjoy 2011. I want to revel in the opportunities that it brings me. I want a guilt-free 2011 where I continue to invest in myself but accept my weaknesses with love and affection.

There is nothing more insidious and exhausting than constant self recrimination. I feel that the culture of annual resolutions creates more wide spread self recrimination than it does long term positive behavioural change. People get so caught up in the date change that they believe that suddenly making the changes that they want to make in their lives will be easy. It doesn’t work that way.

You need to start with an honest appraisal of yourself. If the change of year has prompted you to reflect on yourself, your happiness and the opportunities to bring more harmony to your life, that is fabulous. But a bullet pointed list of things you will and won’t do in the coming months is the wrong way to go about it. I’d be really interested to find out the statistics around ex-smokers that successfully quit in January. I bet that the conversion rate to happy long-term ex-smokers will be discouragingly low.

If you are a smoker and you want to stop, I recommend dealing with the psychological addiction. Steer clear of the marketing gimmick that is nicotine patches (I speak from experience nicotine withdrawal isn’t what makes you go back to cigarettes) and make sure that you are stopping when you are mentally ready, which is unlikely to be suddenly at the stroke of midnight. Real life doesn’t resemble a Cinderella story in reverse. Reading Alan Carr’s book is what worked for me, if you want to explore that route, I can endorse it. However, it may not be the right solution for you. Explore the options, be honest about your triggers and be generous with yourself throughout the whole process. If you do it based on your own timetable your chances of success will increase exponentially.

Of course smoking is just one of the many popular New Year resolutions which also include: weight loss; getting fitter; stressing less; working less, and spending more time with the family. Whatever your poison(s), don’t be disappointed if 2011 doesn’t make it magically easy to change your ways. There is no date from which you will suddenly find it easy to make radical changes to your lifestyle. Frankly I don’t remember reading a manual for life that tells us that living to our full potential would be easy. It is a challenge. We live in a society that is obsessed with convenience which can skew our perception of reality.

We are all works in progress. There is no sudden “new you” but if you invest positive energy in nurturing yourself, when you are celebrating the dawn of 2012, odds are you’ll look back and realise that 2011 was a vintage year. By avoiding the creation of a mass list of resolutions, you won’t throw the baby out with the bath water. Focus on what you need on a daily basis, and you won’t lose your way.

For me, this means that I will continue to focus on the things that motivate and de-motivate me. I want to live a passionate life full of energy and creativity. So in my on-going exercises in introspection, I’ll be checking-in with myself to see whether I’m allowing myself to do that. If not, well I won’t be beating myself up about it. I’ll be going into the next day more self-aware and open to exploring new adventures.

(Pictured above: Sake, Jodie & Ian's puppy, who likes to dig holes that are 5x bigger than she is)