Hello Me!

Last week was the last week at my old job and I’m currently enjoying the leisurely limbo of being between jobs (7 whole working days off, pure bliss). Many flowers were sacrificed to celebrate my new adventure and I love the sweet scent of lilies and roses that is permeating my house. It is quite a heady mix of smells and fits perfectly with a wonderful sunshine filled Monday afternoon. I’m cleaning the house in fits and starts (kitchen + washing have been done – next step is the vacuuming) as I tend to overheat if I do too much in one go.

My mission for my time off is to focus on looking after me. That means exercising my rather lazy muscles so that I’ve got a good base fitness before I get sucked back into the work grind. I’m reminding myself that I actually enjoy exercising. In fact I really seem to be re-discovering myself, as I’ve come to realise that I’ve changed a lot, and not necessarily in a good way, over the years.

It would be fair to say that in my teens and early twenties I was very open to adventure and trying new things. I loved yoga before it was considered mainstream, taught myself everything I could about aromatherapy, tried meditating (badly) and learned how to read tarot cards. All this fell to the wayside when I started to work. Suddenly, instead of following my own bliss and learning about all the things I wanted to know more about, I became a work drone putting off adventures until an undefined later date.

I started to conform. Not that I was particularly rebellious before, but I never tried to fit myself into a pre-conceived box. I did what suited me but once in the work place that was subsumed by the need to do what suited others. This replaced all of my healthy selfish urges, no doubt contributing to my eventual meltdown. Ironically, it is now that I’ve come to terms with my depression and am living on the other side of the planet that I’ve realised that “me” is still there, waiting for “later” to become “now”.

So what does this mean? Well in essence, I’m going to nurture my physical and creative needs. I’ve started well with my guitar lessons, which I love. It has really helped me to realise that I should have been doing this ages ago. What else am I adding to my life:

• Yoga – I love it and it is good for me. Now that I’ve got the car no excuse not to make classes
• Pilates – which I enjoy and gives me extra class options if yoga doesn’t fit with my diary
• Swimming – car opens up lots of swimming opportunities across the summer that I can easily take advantage of
• Writing – beyond the blog, I’m making a conscious decision to spend a minimum of 2 hours writing a week working on creative projects. This may not sound much but I’d rather put in a small amount and exceed it than abuse myself for under delivering
• Theatre/concerts – need to drag friends along to more theatre and concerts. OK so some of the music that appeals to me is a tad quirky but surely I’m not the only person that likes weird arty stuff?
• Exploring – now that I have my car, need to get out there and explore the Sydney area. Best way to get over my hatred of driving
• Hanging out with friends – need to do this much more than I have been recently. Thinking more entertaining at my house is definitely called for, I do love to cook
• Experimenting – opening my mind to new recipes, new aromatherapy mixes, learning more re tarot etc.. I have a naturally inquisitive mind and it needs more nourishment than media can provide. I may even try that African Drumming Class that has been tempting me for the last couple of years. Anything goes really

What are the things that you don’t do/haven’t done in ages because you are too busy? I think you should write them down and work out if they are worth missing out on. Those friends you haven’t seen in years, give them a call. If you’ve always wanted to try an art class, what is stopping you? Look online, I bet there are lots of options in your area. These things are a part of our education growing up, why do we see them as so frivolous once we are adults? They are all parts of what make us fully rounded and happy human beings.

If the fear of being bad at it is what is stopping you, all I can say is get over it. You don’t need to be good at something to enjoy it. If you do have some talent, that is gravy. I’m not exactly the world’s best at yoga but it does me the world of good and I don’t mind looking silly for an hour or so. Frankly I think we should all be encouraged to look silly for at least 1 hour each week. Particularly those of us that tend to be high-flyers in the workplace, being a beginner at something can be very grounding.

Well I have to admit, I’m excited about the world of opportunities out there. I’m not deluding myself, I know that I’ll be working hard at my new work-place, media isn’t exactly a 9-5 job. But it is about making the effort to fit the other things in too. After all, we set our own priorities; we shouldn’t be allowing our clients and bosses to be setting them for us. Plus, I suspect they would rather you were healthier and happier rather than stressed out and exhausted.

So have fun, I know I’m planning to.

State of Change

I’ve just started my final week of notice period in my current job. With 7 whole working days off before I start my new job, I don’t know if I’m more excited about the new adventure or the time off. I can sense I’ll be working until the bitter end, as my workload hasn’t abated in the slightest, in fact I didn’t write this post on Sunday as I was working on a document I’m presenting tomorrow. With only 4 working days left, I’m finding it very hard to work out exactly how I feel.

The truth is that I have a number of very good reasons for leaving, but equally there are plenty of aspects of my current job that I will miss: mainly the people, colleagues and clients alike. There is also the fear of being judged once you are no longer there to defend yourself. You know the drill, if you find something you don’t understand or that is clearly wrong it is very easy to blame the person that has left. But why do I care? What does it matter if something doesn’t add up on a spreadsheet or if someone misinterprets the context of a document? Why does the thought that I’m not leaving everything in perfect order make me want to break out in hives?

Much as I would like to claim that my motives are altruistic, the reality is that that is only a small component of what is driving me. Yes, I do plan to stay in touch with many of my current colleagues and would hate to leave them in the shit work-wise, especially given how busy they all are. I also have a strong relationship with my clients and want to make sure that everything is in a great place for them. However, the reality is that the main reason I want to make sure that everything is buttoned down is pride. I take pride in the work that I do and I have a reputation for the high quality of said work, I don’t want that to be undone by something as silly as a typo in an spreadsheet formula that is sitting there like a ticking bomb, waiting for me to exit the building before exploding, and alerting everyone to a colossal miscalculation.

Do I believe that this ticking bomb exists? Hopefully not, but I am still wrestling with the urge to quadruple check everything I’ve done in the last 12 months. This way madness lies so I’m working on recognising this compulsion but not acting on it. If anything this sudden fixation with documents and calculations and re-visiting old work is my way of distracting myself from the fact that I’m leaving and I’m naturally going to have an emotional response.

There are people that I have seen virtually every day for the last 3 and a half years and now I’ll hardly see them at all. Those that I’m closest to I’ll keep in touch with, but there are a lot of people that you chat to everyday: in the lift; while getting water; when buying your coffee or lunch, and at work functions. Those are the people that you will lose touch with. It will be good bye to the office jokers, the pretty boys, the slinky girls and the small-talking senior management: all those personalities that make up the overall vibrant dynamics of an office. It is more like leaving a village than leave a job, as you move to a new environment with new politics and social hierarchies.

When I arrive at my new village, it will take me time to orient myself but I’m confident that I’ll find my way. Plus this time, I’ll be armed with something I didn’t have when I first moved to Australia: a big circle of Aussie based friends. There are those that I’ve met outside of work over the last few years, that are already part of my social circle but there will also be those that have taken the step from colleague to friend. I think it is often after you leave a place that this magical transformation takes place and you realise who your friends are. Without the common link of the workplace, it is only those that you have truly bonded with that will remain a part of your life. I find that exciting. While I think I know who those people will be, life can surprise you and often in a good way.

Everybody pretend to be normal

As you’ll have noticed, I love films and this is another filmic reference. The quote used as the title for this post is from the rather wonderful “Little Miss Sunshine”. For me those words resonated because I think you would need to look very hard to find someone that isn’t “pretending” in at least one area of their lives. To a certain extent we are all actors, trying to play the role we think we’re supposed fulfil with our lives. Sometimes we don’t even pick that role but take on the image we think others have of us, and we run with that.

Shakespeare nailed it in “As you Like it” with Jacques speech “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players...” That struck a chord with me as a teenager when I studied As You Like It. It wasn’t my favourite Shakespeare play (that would be King Lear, even back then madness fascinated me) but it goes to show that things haven’t really changed much since Shakespeare’s day. We all still play our part, the better to make it through the day.

Particularly skilled “social” creatures can play several different parts depending on what the situation requires. This might be instinctive (self preservation being a strong motivator) or for more cynical & manipulative motives (I’ve never trusted charming people, I always wonder what they are really thinking). Saying what we really think or feel, as we think or feel it, is definitely frowned upon by so called “civilised” society.

I like to think of myself as a very honest and open person. However, even I have to pretend in my day-to-day life in order to survive. Sometimes it is because being truly honest would make people uncomfortable (I lapse a lot in this area given my tendency to over-share) but mainly it is because someone in my position is supposed to act a certain way. I have found that the more senior I become within my chosen industry, the less freedom I have. I think that it is a common misconception that junior employees have to tow the line, but the reality is they get away with a lot more on the basis of their youth and newness (their work masks are still in development). It is when you are considered an example to others that you really need to have your work mask firmly fixed and in place.

It isn’t just about the work place but any situation where you are interacting with other people. You may be one person to your family, another to your friends, completely different with your colleagues and once you have your own children you need to decide what kind of parent you want to be. As a result, you can bounce around from being “the sensitive child” to “the extrovert joker” to “the eccentric workaholic” and you may decide that your kids are in need of a “grounded earth mother”.

We all have different faces that we show the world. Even “a spade is a spade” personality is a role. Do any of us really know what our natural, default setting is? Is there such a thing? No wonder we can find it hard to really understand ourselves. We’re pretty complicated creatures and while I am a fan of analysis (it is doing me the world of good), sometimes I think we can over analyse ourselves to the point that we no longer see the wood for the trees.

My view is that you can only try to be true to yourself, which means being true to all those wonderfully different shaped bits of yourself. Unless you’re a sociopath you’ll have an in-built alarm system that will let you know when you are straying from the path. The problem is that we can get so caught up in our own self-image that we might ignore or simply bury both our moral compass and bullshit alarm under layers off irrelevant crap.

We can get lost judging ourselves for the things that we don’t think we did well enough and lose sight of all the great things that we do. I had a friend who, while very upset confessed that she didn’t understand why people liked her. This shocked me, as the role she plays with me is that of a confident, fun and loyal friend. I could easily list 10 reasons why I like her and that is without even trying very hard. Ironically seeing this vulnerable side to her has only made her an even better friend as I admitted that I frequently worry that people will “find me out” and realise that they don’t actually want to be friends with me after all.

So does that sound crazy to you or all too familiar? I’m starting to suspect that I’m not that unusual, much as I like to cling to my uniqueness.

In terms of the week just gone by I flitted through (adopted sounds too calculated) the following roles: understanding friend; concerned colleague; party animal; suffering party animal (aka hungover); eccentric cynic; friendly customer; diplomat; efficient worker; stressed employee; enthusiastic student; polite commuter; victim of workplace politics (oh go on, who doesn’t play this card occasionally?); passionate writer and I’m currently a Sunday evening blogger.

It’s been a pretty standard week with more highs than lows, which is to be celebrated. Now if only I could get my inner athlete to come out to play, life would be fabulous.

The Monster Inside

Here I am, sat at my desk in my little house in Sydney, Australia. It is dark outside on this Halloween night. Louis is curled up on his favourite spot on the table, where he can look out of the window and growl at any beasties that sneak through the garden. He is a rather dog-like cat in many respects.

My aromatherapy burner is doing its magic in the background. Following the sage advice of my aromatherapist friend Stephanie I’m sticking to scents that should help me sleep, deal with my nervous tension and ease my high blood pressure. She blogs here for anyone who wants to check out her aromatherapy advice, this post was inspired by me, oh yes! I have my very own aromamuse:
http://www.suite101.com/content/top-3-essential-oils-to-reduce-high-blood-pressure-a302766

Rufus Wainwright’s fabulously emotive voice is soothing the sharper edges of my mood. I’m not a big fan of overhead lights, so I have several lamps on creating multiple warm pools of lights surrounded by inviting shadows. My house is clean & tidy, the washing has been done and all I want to do before floating up to bed is write my blog post and decide what new book I’m going to start reading tomorrow.

It being Halloween (or so I’m reliably informed, but the Celebrations that I bought for trick or treaters will need to find an alternative home as a rather impressive storm seems to have scared them off) I felt that demons and monsters would make a great theme for today’s post.

The imagination of humans is extraordinary. Over time we’ve created some amazing mythology around monsters and demons. This dates back to the first days of human communication and is not, as some might believe, a product of Hollywood. In past stories were spread from person to person, from tribe to tribe and eventually, once we discovered the world beyond our own respective shores, by sailors and other travellers. As these stories moved around they evolved (as any game of Chinese whispers will demonstrate) so that the mythology of different countries and religions can often seem similar but different as they are adapted to fit with the local culture or even the motivations of the storyteller. The only consistent component of these stories is man himself. After all, a story requires a narrator: it can’t exist independently of us.

This sends my thought back to my blog about the magic and power of words. Positive words breed positive thoughts and emotions. So why do we create monsters? Strange creatures that hide in dark corners, wait for us under our beds, suck our blood, eat our brains or steal our souls. Why do we need these creatures? Personally I have plenty of monsters lurking inside my head which make the imaginary external ones seem positively fluffy by comparison. Is that why we need to invent these personifications of evil? Does it help us cope with the bad things that can happen to us? If we scare ourselves silly with these stories, does it make our day to day gremlins less intimidating by comparison?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I just like to ponder them gently. See what they stir up in my mind. I can only assume that they originated as a means to explain the bad things, like disease, that could happen to us, back in a time when medical science did not exist or was in its infancy. But despite all the things that we’ve learned since about ourselves these creatures continue to thrive and grow. I find that very interesting. Science can’t replace our love of stories. Fact and fiction will always sit side by side.

In the interests of complete honesty I must stop procrastinating and confess that this has been a tough week for me. I’ve felt like a squatter in my own body for a very long time and my squat has decided that enough is enough. I’ve been de-prioritising my physical well-being for far too long and am now paying for it.

The problem is that my inner monsters are masters of misdirection. I have one monster in particular, the one that likes to swear at me and tell me I’m useless, that has been encouraging me to throw all my energy and emotions into my work. Tapping into my fear that, because I’m working through depression, I’m not good enough at my job, this monster has driven me to work harder and harder: to stress more and more about the quality of my work; driving me to not just meet, but exceed, my clients’ expectations.

This has created an unsustainable cycle of nervous exhaustion that means that I inevitably keel over because I’m physically not strong enough to work myself that hard. Plus, they don’t half love to pile on the work at my current company and there is no one to defend me from this, as the monster discourages me from simply saying “no it can’t be done.” To make the cycle all the more pernicious, my sense of inadequacy is fuelled by my frequent collapses, as my monster lurks by my bed whispering about my failings and how no-one wants some sickly piss-taker working for them.

That sets the context for this week. On Thursday I suffered from dizziness and palpitations. I’d been working like a fiend to finish a project for that Thursday and the deadline had just been moved back on the Wednesday. I think this was the aftershock. My energy had dropped to scarily low levels and I couldn’t get out of bed. I aimed to work in the afternoon instead but no can do, the more I worried about not working, the more stressed I became and the worse I felt. By the Friday I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I gave in to the collapse and slept like the dead until 7pm. I woke because the cat was meowing at me, clearly worried and probably hungry. I got out of bed for a few hours before going back for another full night’s sleep. By Saturday morning I was feeling much more human but my monster has been very vocal all weekend.

I have 3 weeks left in this job and I am determined to tie everything up, make sure I sort out everything that I can and pass the baton on knowing that I’m leaving things in good order. My monster feels that I should go beyond this and really kick work arse over the next 3 weeks: “show them you aren’t a useless slacker” it tells me and “you can make up for being sick by working late and at the weekends, if you do that it will be OK” and “come on, you have 3 weeks left to show them how good you are”.

To this monster I say “stop it!” I already work weekends and bring work home with me on a regular basis, why do I still think I have something to prove? I’ve had the flexibility of working from home recently (due to the big document I was writing but also as I’m working my notice period and I’ve noticed I’m left pretty well alone so long as I deliver on everything), which has been great as I get the opportunity to really concentrate on my work. Working in an open plan office with a very lively team of rather wonderful people isn’t conducive to concentration. I love it the rest of the time but when you actually need to get stuff done, you can’t be there to answer everyone’s questions. The monster likes to tell me that this is bad, that I should be in the office where people can watch me working and appreciate my dedication.

I am determined to leave this monster behind when I go to my new job. New beginnings and a healthier me, that is all I can hope for. But hope isn’t enough. I need to actively exorcise this demon. So, does anyone have any advice about how I can ensure that I remember that my needs are more important than those of the company that pays my salary? I’m not saying I want to slack off but any tips on how to keep fit and healthy while working in a very busy industry would be gratefully received.

Having re-read this post I've realised that the spirit of this post is still very much in the monster's hands. I'm asking for help to be a more productive worker and I'm not being motivated by concerns about my health. Wow, that is something that I really need to work on!