You’d think I’d have an answer to the question above, as by anyone’s book I’m supposed to be a “grown-up” by now, but the magic on-switch for maturity has yet to kick in with me. I still don’t feel “grown-up”. I don’t even know what that’s supposed to feel like.
I’m not saying that I’m a child-like 34 year old, I’m not quite that pathetic. I’m independent, have a good job, a beautiful cat, a lovely home that I rent in a country far away from the one I started in. I don’t rely on others to look after me the way that a child would. But I still don’t feel grown-up. Maybe it is my incapacity to have a proper relationship, as there is a lot of social pressure to settle down with a partner and start a family. However, it could well be that that isn’t what the future holds for me, it might be, but it might not. People who try to be reassuring by saying “you’ll find the right person eventually” are treading on very thin ice. What proof is there that I will? Why is it such a priority for everyone? Why is the success of my life linked to my marital or relationship status?
I didn’t start this post to go all Bridget Jones (can’t drink Chardonnay for one thing) but have I been so brainwashed by society that I’m going to feel incomplete and un-grown-up until I settle down? I joke about becoming the local mad cat woman (I only have 1 cat in Sydney & I don’t smell of pee, so it is still technically a joke) but why do we still look down on people who are alone? It isn’t just people with partners who feel pity for the terminally single. Other singletons are just as bad. Clearly we are all subject to the same brain-washing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it is better to be single than in a relationship. A relationship with the right person is amazing, or so I’m led to believe. But we all know people who are in relationships with the wrong person, because they think a bad relationship is better than being alone. I can’t imagine anything worse.
So maybe my status as proper grown-up human will only kick in once I find me a man, buy me a house and start me a family? I doubt it. I think I could do everything on the shopping list of life and still feel like a child, even in my 80s. Maybe it is because sometimes I look at people who act like proper grown-ups and I suspect that it is exactly that: an act. And there is nothing wrong with that. Let’s all stop putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves to conform to an idea that doesn’t exist. The terms grown-up implies an end: that is it; you have grown; there is no more growing to do. What utter bollocks!
Human beings are in a constant state of change. We are always growing, in one way or another. To try and shoe-horn ourselves into a box; to live life as if it is a set menu; that means we aren’t living our own lives at all. We aren’t exploring and designing them for ourselves. We should embrace the fact that we all take different paths. Those that find the right person and have a loving, frustrating, demanding, ultimately rewarding family, are lucky. So is the girl who lives life on her own terms, tasting the flavours that each day presents, unsure if she will ever meet the right person but content in the knowledge that she is experiencing the adventure that is life. She’ll have time to feel like a grown-up on her death bed, when she looks back and realises that she has reached the final moment and her growing has come to an end.
I’m not saying that I’m a child-like 34 year old, I’m not quite that pathetic. I’m independent, have a good job, a beautiful cat, a lovely home that I rent in a country far away from the one I started in. I don’t rely on others to look after me the way that a child would. But I still don’t feel grown-up. Maybe it is my incapacity to have a proper relationship, as there is a lot of social pressure to settle down with a partner and start a family. However, it could well be that that isn’t what the future holds for me, it might be, but it might not. People who try to be reassuring by saying “you’ll find the right person eventually” are treading on very thin ice. What proof is there that I will? Why is it such a priority for everyone? Why is the success of my life linked to my marital or relationship status?
I didn’t start this post to go all Bridget Jones (can’t drink Chardonnay for one thing) but have I been so brainwashed by society that I’m going to feel incomplete and un-grown-up until I settle down? I joke about becoming the local mad cat woman (I only have 1 cat in Sydney & I don’t smell of pee, so it is still technically a joke) but why do we still look down on people who are alone? It isn’t just people with partners who feel pity for the terminally single. Other singletons are just as bad. Clearly we are all subject to the same brain-washing. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not saying that it is better to be single than in a relationship. A relationship with the right person is amazing, or so I’m led to believe. But we all know people who are in relationships with the wrong person, because they think a bad relationship is better than being alone. I can’t imagine anything worse.
So maybe my status as proper grown-up human will only kick in once I find me a man, buy me a house and start me a family? I doubt it. I think I could do everything on the shopping list of life and still feel like a child, even in my 80s. Maybe it is because sometimes I look at people who act like proper grown-ups and I suspect that it is exactly that: an act. And there is nothing wrong with that. Let’s all stop putting unnecessary pressure on ourselves to conform to an idea that doesn’t exist. The terms grown-up implies an end: that is it; you have grown; there is no more growing to do. What utter bollocks!
Human beings are in a constant state of change. We are always growing, in one way or another. To try and shoe-horn ourselves into a box; to live life as if it is a set menu; that means we aren’t living our own lives at all. We aren’t exploring and designing them for ourselves. We should embrace the fact that we all take different paths. Those that find the right person and have a loving, frustrating, demanding, ultimately rewarding family, are lucky. So is the girl who lives life on her own terms, tasting the flavours that each day presents, unsure if she will ever meet the right person but content in the knowledge that she is experiencing the adventure that is life. She’ll have time to feel like a grown-up on her death bed, when she looks back and realises that she has reached the final moment and her growing has come to an end.
4 comments:
I totally agree Stephanie.
Never mind about 'finding the right person eventually.' If you're happy living alone, then you've already found that 'right person' - yourself.
Yes, it may be that you'll one day feel the need for, and a reason to have, a permanent relationship with someone, but you should never feel forced into it, shamed into it, or obligated to do something about it because of peer pressure. Too many people end up hating themselves and their partner because of that.
As for generally 'growing up' and 'acting your age', who the hell is qualified to define what 'growing up' actually means? And the age that you act should depend on the age you feel, not some predefined rules that are based entirely on how relatively fit you are and how many wrinkles you have.
I'm in my early fifties, but I sail pretty close to the wind by acting like I'm only in my late forties!! (hee hee)
Don't ever worry about being grown-up, love. Be true to yourself, and if people who it matters to, see that as 'adult' then that's fine; if however they see that as juvenile in some way, then that's more their problem than it is yours, isn't it.
'Human beings are in a constant state of change. We are always growing, in one way or another. To try and shoe-horn ourselves into a box;'
I love that line. I've always had an allergy to boxes. That was a brill post. I turned 35 in May, and in no way feel grown up, or want to be. What I do have I think is a greater appreciation and acceptance of what I'm about.
I was fortunate to meet my soulmate aged 20, but we've never wanted children and have had to face lots of assertions that we should, or that we'll 'change our mind'. I think you have to live the life you want, take the knockbacks and achievements with equal grace and remove any artificial scripts from your head about what you should be like/doing. So many people torture themselves over it.
First of all, MAJOR concern: you can't drink Chardonnay? Well, I'm relieved that you can at least comfort yourself with peanut M&Ms.
I'm a big believer in living your life as you go. You made excellent points about the wrong relationship making everything worse. Not that this means anything, but it wasn't until I'd decided never to get married that I found the right one for me.
And yet, there are times, lots of them, when I dearly wish I was on my own. I crave the freedom of doing whatever I please, without having to answer to anyone.
Sharing a sunset, snuggling under the covers, whispering in a movie theatre ... all fun. But not life-altering.
I understand questioning "growing up". I'm a decade older than you, married with 2 preteen daughters, and I ask myself that all the time. How can I help my girls "grow up" when I have no idea what I'm doing most of the time?
I think the answer is that they need to be true to themselves, which is exactly what you're doing.
Now, if you can't drink Chardonnay, then go and grab a good Merlot, aye?
- Genevieve (writingwildly on Twitter)
Hey Steph,
Don't believe it! I'm 44, married, settled down, have three children, have been is a steady, serious job and I DON'T consider myself to be a propper grown-up either. I got pretty good at pretending though.
Personally, I think it is the most wonderful thing in the world to not be a propper grown-up.
Last week one of the year 4 students I work with shook his head in exasperation and said, "You are such a child!"
My reply was "Thank you. That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me in years."
P.S. - We have six cats so I know about the mad cat lady stuff. I married her... ;p
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