My blog has been a victim of my inability to balance work & life. It hasn’t been the only victim. Other areas of my life that have been hit are responses to the emails I’ve had from friends back home, around 90% of my non-work related social life, keeping up with my twitter network, my creative writing and my health. Admittedly, that last one is a major worry so something needs to give.
The good news is that I’ve taken positive action and will be starting a new job on 1st December. The bad news is that two consistent ingredients remain the same in my on-going diet of work, work and more work. Those are working in media and me. I love working in media and I can’t escape me, so those are two ingredients that I need to work with.
So moving forward I will be very much focusing on developing me. Many (but not all) of you will know that among the challenges that I face at the moment, I’m fighting an on-going battle with depression. This is no doubt having a major impact on my work/life balance as so much of my energy over the past couple of years has been focused on functioning within the workplace. I’m definitely in a much stronger and more self aware space now, thanks to some fabulous friends and a very wise analyst. So I’m ready to take the bull by the horns to realise that being great at my job (which I am unashamedly proud of given the emotional wars I’ve being fighting) is not enough for me. It isn’t my life goal. If I want to have a full and meaningful life that should be about 33.333333333333% of my life balance not 90%+ as it currently stands.
To make it even more frustrating I am armed with all the tools that I need but I don’t seem to use them. In the battle between wise and emotion mind (to steal terms that my analyst uses to work out what drives me to do the things I do), my emotion mind keeps winning and frankly my emotion mind is more than a little dysfunctional. So while I keep getting more and more stressed and fat (food is my drug of choice, when it comes to self medicating), there is a part of me that sees everything I’m doing wrong but it is bound and gagged, unable to stop me.
I’m officially setting that part of me free now and will be using this space to keep tabs on it. I’ll be scoring my efforts on the following aspects:
(1) Kindness to self
a. Am I eating right and getting exercise?
b. Am I doing things to help me manage my stress/depression e.g meditation, yoga, walking somewhere beautiful & simply enjoying the view?
(2) Personal development
a. Am I taking time out to do the things I’m passionate about?
b. Am I taking advantage of the opportunities around me?
(3) Interaction with others
a. Am I spending time with people that I love rather than hiding at home with the cat?
b. Am I taking advantage of opportunities me new and interesting people?
(4) Work
a. Am I working hard but not taking it home?
b. If the hours are crazy (reality is that is unavoidable at times) am I still taking time out to look after myself?
My analyst says that keeping a diary of triggers and what you do can really help in terms of development. The problem is that if I do write one, I’ll simply slack off after about 2 weeks because I’m the only one that reads it. However I have a pathological problem with letting other people down which I might as well take advantage of. So here is my pledge. I will update this blog weekly with brutally honest updates on how I’m doing at achieving my goals. All I ask is that you all think about how you could make yourselves happier and healthier people and let me know how you are going in that quest.
This is the inaugural post of what I hope will become a source of strength for those who want to lead better and more balanced lives. Remember, being selfless is unhealthy but society seems to encourage it. Just say no!! Take time to think about what you need for you. Otherwise all you will be doing is worrying about whether you are doing enough for everyone else and that is a road that leads straight to depression.
My first progress update will be posted 16th October. That is my commitment to me! That and the determination to have as much fun as possible along the way!
Saturday, October 09, 2010
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2 comments:
Sorry to hear you've been having such a hard time, Steph.
I find that when the pressures mount up, I get very stressed too and panic. I've always suffered from anxiety in various forms, but these days it affects my ability to face even the basic challenges in life that seem normal to everyone else. This makes me feel very down sometimes.
I find that I have to keep trying to counsel myself when I feel panicked or down - reminding myself all the times in the past I have achieved these things and believe that I can do it all again.
Just know you're not alone... It's really brave of you to be so honest on your blog, which is why I'm being honest with this comment :)
We can be who we want to be, no matter how hard it seems during difficult times. We just need to take it a step at a time and appreciate that we won't always achieve everything straight away - it will take time and we have to allow that.
Be proud of all you've achieved so far - you're doing so well! The only way is up! :D
Thanks so much for your honesty Michelle. It is really hard for a lot of people to understand the challenges that we can face doing simple day to day things.
I'm having to teach myself not to care what they think but to focus on looking after myself. It is easier said than done though.
I'm here for you (on blog or twitter) if you ever need to talk about it on bad days or to celebrate good days :)
You are a very strong and inspirational person and don't you forget it.
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