Sunny Days and Snow Storms

Having grown up in England, Christmas in Australia never really feels 100% right. This may well explain the introduction of the tradition of “Christmas in July” although frankly even in the midst of winter, Sydney never quite gets cold enough for me to hear the faint whisper of sleigh bells on a chilly Southerly wind (see even the winds are the other way round, Northerlies are the chill-bringers in England).

Saying that, and before all the Australians I know tell me to pack my bags and go home, it doesn’t feel wrong either. It is simply that Christmas is a very different experience for me here but it is still very much a season that inspires gratitude for the wonderful people around me. Whether sitting on a beach or rugged up in a London pub, the festive season is all about catching up with the people that make your life meaningful.

It isn’t just about those that are in the same time zone as you. I’m suddenly hyper aware of the Christmas developments back home. This makes me feel connected to my family and I’m really excited about calling them Christmas Day morning (Christmas Eve evening in UK when my predominantly Polish family gather together to celebrate Wigilia). Over the noisy background noise of 30+ boisterous members of my family the telephone receiver will be passed around so that I can catch up with my mum, my god daughter (who turns 18 Christmas Eve and is really the most wonderful young woman), my aunt, my uncle and my cousins. It may not be the same as being with them but hearing their voices is now an integral part of my new Christmas tradition.

Plus the reality is that even if I had been planning to go back to England for this Christmas, the odds would have been against my making it. The snow that made me vow last year to only visit in the European summer is back with a vengeance and causing no end of mayhem for people all over the world. The ensuing chaos means that the gifts I sent may or may not make it (my aunt updates me – I can’t actually track the pacakge as sending it recorded delivery would have pushed the postage north of $140 which is nuts). Since it is out of my hands, all I can do is hope for the best.

Now would be a great time to wish for some Christmas miracles though, so St Nicholas if you could please oblige here are mine:
- For my friends trying to make it home, I hope you have a wonderful Christmas with fabulous people even if it may not be exactly where you were planning to be.
- For my Wigilia-going family, I hope the snow allows you to safely make the trip to Berkshire so that you can all be together to share Opłatek as per decades of tradition.
- For packages that are currently in postal limbo, I hope that you find your way to your destinations and deliver the smiles the gifts inside were selected to inspire.
- For the Queen of England, don’t be afraid to experiment with your Christmas speech: I’d love to see you break with etiquette and tell us what you really think. Go on, you know you want to!

I’ll be spending a lovely Christmas Day with my big brother Guy, his wife Ann, my nephew Tom and their pets Alfie (puppy) and Joey (rabbit). Some might say that Guy isn’t actually my brother because he isn’t a blood relative but to them I’d answer “if it walks like a duck and talks like a duck than it’s a friggin’ duck.” Hopefully Gertie Getz will get me there (she recently threw a strop, we’re working through it) ummm maybe I shouldn’t have used up my quota of Christmas miracles.

On that note I’ll sign off. Louis is sound asleep on the sofa in the most improbable position that means that his tummy is in immediate need to tickling.

Merry Christmas!!

Interim Post

It is Monday night and I'm feeling quite exhausted so I won't be doing my usual detailed post. I wanted to reassure my friend and family that all is good with me. My silence isn't some sinister reflection regarding my new job. I'm actually really enjoying it at ZenthOptimedia. They are a lovely bunch of people and I'm in the midst of a major information download. It is always weird being the new girl though, take a while before you feel fully functioning.

The only negative recently was an unfortunate bout of food poisoning that kicked in during the early hours of Saturday morning, knocking me on my bottom for the rest of the weekend. Fortunately between Louis and Indiana, I had plenty of felines checking in on me. Cats really are a lot more sensitive than people give the credit for. My boys looked after me.

I drove Gertie Getz to work this morning and managed not to get lost (this is a first). I have to admit, driving is rather frighteningly addictive. Bang goes the planet. I had my guitar lesson this evening which was great fun. Now I've been learning Wonderwall, Opportunity and Disarm which makes for a nice mix of tunes to mess around with. I'll be happy if I can play them and someone can actually recognise what I'm playing lol.

Louis is currently doing a fabulous impersonation of a big fluffy rug. Between the excitement of my guitar lesson (he loves them) and his dinner, I think he's exhausted himself ; )

Leah, the kitten from next door, just escaped which led to a fun packed 10 mins chasing her down the street. She is the naughtiest little ragdoll, not sure where she was trying to get to, but she does love making a break for it on a regular basis.

So it has been an action packed Monday night and I need to get a good night's sleep before my big day tomorrow. I'm off to see JayZ and U2 in concert tomorrow night. So excited!!

Normal blogging will resume this weekend. Take care all

Escaping the Box

I struggled with the title of this post because all the options that I came up with didn’t quite work. It was almost “Love what you do”, flitted to “Be free to be”, hovered over “Escaping your inner demons” and finally ended up being the rather odd “Escaping the Box”.

So what do I mean by “Escaping the Box”? I think the rejected titles should give you a pretty good idea but we’ll start with what has inspired me this week.

In my current visa-less stasis I have the luxury of time, something that I frequently lack (or feel as if I do). This would be the perfect opportunity to dedicate time to my passion of writing. Actually I lie, my real passion is storytelling and writing is the means that allows me to explore that passion (I have limited creative abilities outside of my way with words). I actually find writing very hard and sometimes even torturous. While I am getting some drafting of concepts done, I have suddenly become extremely shy of writing and am nowhere near as prolific as I thought I would be given the circumstances. There is a great big wall blocking me so that my ideas rattle around my head in growing numbers but I’m increasingly reluctant to commit them to paper. I’ve tried knocking this wall down but it is strong, I should know, I built it.

I have very effectively created a box around myself and I’m finding it hard to stretch outside of its confines. I had help building this box, but while I could point to society, education, other people, time, work, money, stress as providing some of the building blocks, the reality is that as the architect I need to take responsibility for it. I keep waiting for the stars to align, for everything to be perfect, so that I can begin work on my masterpiece. This alignment of celestial influences is the code for opening the box, so that I can explode outwards and fulfil my potential. What a load of bollocks!

The ideas are sitting inside me, like anxious children desperate to get out, explore and have amazing adventures. Instead I’m keeping them locked up blaming everything BUT myself for my reluctance to set them free. There is no code for opening the box. I just need to reach up and push open the lid and the thought scares me. What if I free these ideas, this creative potential and it disappoints? I’m paralysed with the fear that if I set these stories free, they’ll become flat, two dimensional, lifeless words on a sheet of paper. I’ve been germinating some of these stories for so long, that for them to die in the outside world would feel like a still-birth. I would feel as if I had failed them, better to keep them locked away until a better time comes.

The truth is that a better time will never come. I need to set myself free from my own crippling fears and self-imposed limitations NOW. I suspect that I’m not alone in needing to escape a box of my own creation. How often do you stop yourself from doing something because you believe you will fail? What is so bad about failing? Never trying is surely 10 times worse, but we can hide our dreams and ambitions, while often our failures are more public. So is it public opinion that we are afraid of?

Have you ever caught yourself whispering your true dreams to a friend, almost embarrassed by them? Our hopes can feel impossibly vulnerable and this can trigger our need to protect them. But instead, what we are really doing is stifling and repressing them. I think the most successful people we admire around us are those that never felt the need to build their own protective box. They embrace their dreams, learn and grow from their failures and see where they take them. How can we enjoy success if we are good at everything we do and never fail?

The next time you speak to a friend or colleague who has recently spectacularly failed at doing something, don’t feel sorry for them. Congratulate them for trying, for getting involved, for not holding themselves back. You should admire the people that try to live their dreams. I sometimes think that there is a small mindedness in many of us, which would have us holding others back because of our own fear of failure.

One of the aspects I really like of Australian culture is that of giving everyone a “fair go”. There is an inherent optimism here that is lacking in Europe. An example I’ll give is of a French man who has set up his own company doing wine tours in the Hunter Valley. When he told his Australian friends what he was doing, they were really pleased for him: very encouraging and supportive. When he told his French friends, they started to list all potential problems he might face, the many ways it could go wrong and why he was crazy to give up a stable income for the unknown. Well, last time I saw him (as one of his customers) he seemed to be doing just fine, thank you.

My problem is that my inner dialogue seems to be very French and not particularly Australian. I don’t give myself the support and encouragement I need. I feel surprised by how much I get from my family and friends (from all around the world), which can make me feel like a phoney because they seem to have more faith in me than I have. I was speaking to some friends about my novel idea: they seemed so genuinely engaged with the concept that it was a phenomenal boost to my confidence. It was after this boost that I truly felt the claustrophobia of living in my self-imposed box. The very next day I wanted to write and I found plenty of other things that were suddenly urgent to do instead. The day after, I read an entire novel from start to finish. Finally, several days later, I’ve realised that I’m never going to let myself write until I destroy the box and fully put myself out there.

So this post is me taking a sledge hammer to this box. I want to tell you I’m working on my first novel. The protagonist is a rather wonderful lady called Mrs Millicent Daily and she wants her story to be committed to paper. I am promising to do this for her and one shouldn’t break one’s promises, even if they are given to fictional characters that currently only exist in one’s head. The only way that I can truly fail in this endeavour is if I don’t write this book. Even if I write it and am dissatisfied with the results, I’ll still have succeeded. I don’t want to not try. I don’t want to cage up my potential and treat it like some valuable but easily shattered gem. I want to set myself free, escape the box, embrace the fear and write my book.

What action are you going to take, to make your dreams reality?

Pictured above: Louis knows exactly what to do with a box lid: flatten it!

The Waiting Game

I often joke that my lack of patience comes from my French genes (have you ever seen the French try to queue? It doesn’t come naturally) but putting joking aside, I’m very bad at dealing with uncertainty. As someone who is trying very hard to learn to live in the “now”, I struggle not to be preoccupied with the “later”. You must know the feeling: that distracting knot in the base of your belly that does the occasional back flip to ensure that it keeps churning up your worries about what is coming “later”.

My current overactive belly knot relates to my still to be approved new 457 visa. As I’m changing companies I’m getting a new sponsorship visa. The downside is that I was due to start work yesterday but can’t because the visa still isn’t through. So my Now looks great, I have extra holiday time. Except I find it hard to enjoy it as the knot keeps churning up questions about “how long will this holiday be?” and “how long can I afford not to be working?” It’s crazy, I’ve missed 2 working days so far and am fighting the urge to panic already. Saying that, we’ve had a little progress with the lovely folks at Aussie Immigration (love your work guys, really do, honestly am not just kissing butt in hope you’ll speed up my visa approval, that would be cynical) so it is looking hopeful that approval will be through in the next few days.

The reality is that as I can’t control when this will happen, I feel a tad cranky. Don’t misunderstand, I’m loving the extra time off. Today I’ve been writing, took Gertie Getz out for a spin and bought some yummy healthy goodness from Harris Farms and Fourth Village (going to stuff myself full of raspberries later) and watched a rather mediocre rom-com that I’d recorded (Did you hear about the Morgans? = spot on for a lazy rainy day but not a film I’d go out of my way to watch).

Does this make me a control freak? The more I think about it, the more I realise it’s when I’m relying on others (and particularly if those others are some kind of bureaucratic organisation) that my belly knot does Olympic level acrobatics and I get a major case of the cranks. Don’t I trust other people to get it right? I know I had to work long and hard on my delegation skills but I thought I’d cracked that particular problem. I don’t think it’s about my needing to do everything myself, it is more about the lack of control that I have over others to do what they need to do. After all, if I picked up the telephone to call immigration it would have zero influence on them.

Government departments and similar organisations are structured in such a way as to ensure that you feel as impotent as possible. I suspect that this is why they get so much rage directed at them. People don’t like to feel helpless. Like a cornered animal, they will fight back. Is this something that organisations need to do more about? After all, it will make the lives of their staff much more pleasant if the majority of the people they deal with aren’t frothing at the mouth with rabid frustration. Banks, governments, telephone companies, energy companies take note: your customers (and governments please don’t forget that your people are, to all intents and purposes, your customers) need to feel they have some level of control to prevent explosions of anger.

A perfectly happy, calm person can transform into Cujo (after he has contracted rabies) if they face the following:

• Endless recorded messages that send them circling around without reaching a real person


• Speaking to a completely disengaged person (or empty vessel) who has no power or control of their own and therefore their only interest is to transfer you onto another empty vessel


• No news, no commitment, no timelines: seriously how can there be no one who can give you clarification re when you are going to get the answers you are chasing? Why hide these magical oracles from us?

Admittedly businesses are getting wise to this and there have been improvements but not enough. In this age of social networking, you can’t afford to be sending out Cujos to infect the rest of the population against you.

So to answer my question, I don’t think I am a control freak. I think I’m a pretty normal person, prone to higher than average levels of anxiety, who just wants some kind of reassurance that things are happening and moving forward. While I’d love to have a couple of weeks off, sadly my landlord equally loves to be paid rent (weird I know) so it isn’t controlling to worry about when I’ll be able to start working again. But it does mean that my focus isn’t as in the Now as I would like. After all it is a warm evening, Martha Wainwright’s fabulous voice is serenading me via my Yamaha speakers , some beautiful aromatherapy oils are burning, Louis is off prowling and once I’ve finished this blog post I’m going to work on my novel outline. Life is good at this particular point in time. I’d feel quite serene if my tummy knot would just calm down.

Any anxiety fighting tips gratefully received, I’m all about self improvement. Never forget that we’re all works in progress, it’s good to help each other through.

Hello Me!

Last week was the last week at my old job and I’m currently enjoying the leisurely limbo of being between jobs (7 whole working days off, pure bliss). Many flowers were sacrificed to celebrate my new adventure and I love the sweet scent of lilies and roses that is permeating my house. It is quite a heady mix of smells and fits perfectly with a wonderful sunshine filled Monday afternoon. I’m cleaning the house in fits and starts (kitchen + washing have been done – next step is the vacuuming) as I tend to overheat if I do too much in one go.

My mission for my time off is to focus on looking after me. That means exercising my rather lazy muscles so that I’ve got a good base fitness before I get sucked back into the work grind. I’m reminding myself that I actually enjoy exercising. In fact I really seem to be re-discovering myself, as I’ve come to realise that I’ve changed a lot, and not necessarily in a good way, over the years.

It would be fair to say that in my teens and early twenties I was very open to adventure and trying new things. I loved yoga before it was considered mainstream, taught myself everything I could about aromatherapy, tried meditating (badly) and learned how to read tarot cards. All this fell to the wayside when I started to work. Suddenly, instead of following my own bliss and learning about all the things I wanted to know more about, I became a work drone putting off adventures until an undefined later date.

I started to conform. Not that I was particularly rebellious before, but I never tried to fit myself into a pre-conceived box. I did what suited me but once in the work place that was subsumed by the need to do what suited others. This replaced all of my healthy selfish urges, no doubt contributing to my eventual meltdown. Ironically, it is now that I’ve come to terms with my depression and am living on the other side of the planet that I’ve realised that “me” is still there, waiting for “later” to become “now”.

So what does this mean? Well in essence, I’m going to nurture my physical and creative needs. I’ve started well with my guitar lessons, which I love. It has really helped me to realise that I should have been doing this ages ago. What else am I adding to my life:

• Yoga – I love it and it is good for me. Now that I’ve got the car no excuse not to make classes
• Pilates – which I enjoy and gives me extra class options if yoga doesn’t fit with my diary
• Swimming – car opens up lots of swimming opportunities across the summer that I can easily take advantage of
• Writing – beyond the blog, I’m making a conscious decision to spend a minimum of 2 hours writing a week working on creative projects. This may not sound much but I’d rather put in a small amount and exceed it than abuse myself for under delivering
• Theatre/concerts – need to drag friends along to more theatre and concerts. OK so some of the music that appeals to me is a tad quirky but surely I’m not the only person that likes weird arty stuff?
• Exploring – now that I have my car, need to get out there and explore the Sydney area. Best way to get over my hatred of driving
• Hanging out with friends – need to do this much more than I have been recently. Thinking more entertaining at my house is definitely called for, I do love to cook
• Experimenting – opening my mind to new recipes, new aromatherapy mixes, learning more re tarot etc.. I have a naturally inquisitive mind and it needs more nourishment than media can provide. I may even try that African Drumming Class that has been tempting me for the last couple of years. Anything goes really

What are the things that you don’t do/haven’t done in ages because you are too busy? I think you should write them down and work out if they are worth missing out on. Those friends you haven’t seen in years, give them a call. If you’ve always wanted to try an art class, what is stopping you? Look online, I bet there are lots of options in your area. These things are a part of our education growing up, why do we see them as so frivolous once we are adults? They are all parts of what make us fully rounded and happy human beings.

If the fear of being bad at it is what is stopping you, all I can say is get over it. You don’t need to be good at something to enjoy it. If you do have some talent, that is gravy. I’m not exactly the world’s best at yoga but it does me the world of good and I don’t mind looking silly for an hour or so. Frankly I think we should all be encouraged to look silly for at least 1 hour each week. Particularly those of us that tend to be high-flyers in the workplace, being a beginner at something can be very grounding.

Well I have to admit, I’m excited about the world of opportunities out there. I’m not deluding myself, I know that I’ll be working hard at my new work-place, media isn’t exactly a 9-5 job. But it is about making the effort to fit the other things in too. After all, we set our own priorities; we shouldn’t be allowing our clients and bosses to be setting them for us. Plus, I suspect they would rather you were healthier and happier rather than stressed out and exhausted.

So have fun, I know I’m planning to.

State of Change

I’ve just started my final week of notice period in my current job. With 7 whole working days off before I start my new job, I don’t know if I’m more excited about the new adventure or the time off. I can sense I’ll be working until the bitter end, as my workload hasn’t abated in the slightest, in fact I didn’t write this post on Sunday as I was working on a document I’m presenting tomorrow. With only 4 working days left, I’m finding it very hard to work out exactly how I feel.

The truth is that I have a number of very good reasons for leaving, but equally there are plenty of aspects of my current job that I will miss: mainly the people, colleagues and clients alike. There is also the fear of being judged once you are no longer there to defend yourself. You know the drill, if you find something you don’t understand or that is clearly wrong it is very easy to blame the person that has left. But why do I care? What does it matter if something doesn’t add up on a spreadsheet or if someone misinterprets the context of a document? Why does the thought that I’m not leaving everything in perfect order make me want to break out in hives?

Much as I would like to claim that my motives are altruistic, the reality is that that is only a small component of what is driving me. Yes, I do plan to stay in touch with many of my current colleagues and would hate to leave them in the shit work-wise, especially given how busy they all are. I also have a strong relationship with my clients and want to make sure that everything is in a great place for them. However, the reality is that the main reason I want to make sure that everything is buttoned down is pride. I take pride in the work that I do and I have a reputation for the high quality of said work, I don’t want that to be undone by something as silly as a typo in an spreadsheet formula that is sitting there like a ticking bomb, waiting for me to exit the building before exploding, and alerting everyone to a colossal miscalculation.

Do I believe that this ticking bomb exists? Hopefully not, but I am still wrestling with the urge to quadruple check everything I’ve done in the last 12 months. This way madness lies so I’m working on recognising this compulsion but not acting on it. If anything this sudden fixation with documents and calculations and re-visiting old work is my way of distracting myself from the fact that I’m leaving and I’m naturally going to have an emotional response.

There are people that I have seen virtually every day for the last 3 and a half years and now I’ll hardly see them at all. Those that I’m closest to I’ll keep in touch with, but there are a lot of people that you chat to everyday: in the lift; while getting water; when buying your coffee or lunch, and at work functions. Those are the people that you will lose touch with. It will be good bye to the office jokers, the pretty boys, the slinky girls and the small-talking senior management: all those personalities that make up the overall vibrant dynamics of an office. It is more like leaving a village than leave a job, as you move to a new environment with new politics and social hierarchies.

When I arrive at my new village, it will take me time to orient myself but I’m confident that I’ll find my way. Plus this time, I’ll be armed with something I didn’t have when I first moved to Australia: a big circle of Aussie based friends. There are those that I’ve met outside of work over the last few years, that are already part of my social circle but there will also be those that have taken the step from colleague to friend. I think it is often after you leave a place that this magical transformation takes place and you realise who your friends are. Without the common link of the workplace, it is only those that you have truly bonded with that will remain a part of your life. I find that exciting. While I think I know who those people will be, life can surprise you and often in a good way.

Everybody pretend to be normal

As you’ll have noticed, I love films and this is another filmic reference. The quote used as the title for this post is from the rather wonderful “Little Miss Sunshine”. For me those words resonated because I think you would need to look very hard to find someone that isn’t “pretending” in at least one area of their lives. To a certain extent we are all actors, trying to play the role we think we’re supposed fulfil with our lives. Sometimes we don’t even pick that role but take on the image we think others have of us, and we run with that.

Shakespeare nailed it in “As you Like it” with Jacques speech “All the world’s a stage, and all the men and women merely players...” That struck a chord with me as a teenager when I studied As You Like It. It wasn’t my favourite Shakespeare play (that would be King Lear, even back then madness fascinated me) but it goes to show that things haven’t really changed much since Shakespeare’s day. We all still play our part, the better to make it through the day.

Particularly skilled “social” creatures can play several different parts depending on what the situation requires. This might be instinctive (self preservation being a strong motivator) or for more cynical & manipulative motives (I’ve never trusted charming people, I always wonder what they are really thinking). Saying what we really think or feel, as we think or feel it, is definitely frowned upon by so called “civilised” society.

I like to think of myself as a very honest and open person. However, even I have to pretend in my day-to-day life in order to survive. Sometimes it is because being truly honest would make people uncomfortable (I lapse a lot in this area given my tendency to over-share) but mainly it is because someone in my position is supposed to act a certain way. I have found that the more senior I become within my chosen industry, the less freedom I have. I think that it is a common misconception that junior employees have to tow the line, but the reality is they get away with a lot more on the basis of their youth and newness (their work masks are still in development). It is when you are considered an example to others that you really need to have your work mask firmly fixed and in place.

It isn’t just about the work place but any situation where you are interacting with other people. You may be one person to your family, another to your friends, completely different with your colleagues and once you have your own children you need to decide what kind of parent you want to be. As a result, you can bounce around from being “the sensitive child” to “the extrovert joker” to “the eccentric workaholic” and you may decide that your kids are in need of a “grounded earth mother”.

We all have different faces that we show the world. Even “a spade is a spade” personality is a role. Do any of us really know what our natural, default setting is? Is there such a thing? No wonder we can find it hard to really understand ourselves. We’re pretty complicated creatures and while I am a fan of analysis (it is doing me the world of good), sometimes I think we can over analyse ourselves to the point that we no longer see the wood for the trees.

My view is that you can only try to be true to yourself, which means being true to all those wonderfully different shaped bits of yourself. Unless you’re a sociopath you’ll have an in-built alarm system that will let you know when you are straying from the path. The problem is that we can get so caught up in our own self-image that we might ignore or simply bury both our moral compass and bullshit alarm under layers off irrelevant crap.

We can get lost judging ourselves for the things that we don’t think we did well enough and lose sight of all the great things that we do. I had a friend who, while very upset confessed that she didn’t understand why people liked her. This shocked me, as the role she plays with me is that of a confident, fun and loyal friend. I could easily list 10 reasons why I like her and that is without even trying very hard. Ironically seeing this vulnerable side to her has only made her an even better friend as I admitted that I frequently worry that people will “find me out” and realise that they don’t actually want to be friends with me after all.

So does that sound crazy to you or all too familiar? I’m starting to suspect that I’m not that unusual, much as I like to cling to my uniqueness.

In terms of the week just gone by I flitted through (adopted sounds too calculated) the following roles: understanding friend; concerned colleague; party animal; suffering party animal (aka hungover); eccentric cynic; friendly customer; diplomat; efficient worker; stressed employee; enthusiastic student; polite commuter; victim of workplace politics (oh go on, who doesn’t play this card occasionally?); passionate writer and I’m currently a Sunday evening blogger.

It’s been a pretty standard week with more highs than lows, which is to be celebrated. Now if only I could get my inner athlete to come out to play, life would be fabulous.

The Monster Inside

Here I am, sat at my desk in my little house in Sydney, Australia. It is dark outside on this Halloween night. Louis is curled up on his favourite spot on the table, where he can look out of the window and growl at any beasties that sneak through the garden. He is a rather dog-like cat in many respects.

My aromatherapy burner is doing its magic in the background. Following the sage advice of my aromatherapist friend Stephanie I’m sticking to scents that should help me sleep, deal with my nervous tension and ease my high blood pressure. She blogs here for anyone who wants to check out her aromatherapy advice, this post was inspired by me, oh yes! I have my very own aromamuse:
http://www.suite101.com/content/top-3-essential-oils-to-reduce-high-blood-pressure-a302766

Rufus Wainwright’s fabulously emotive voice is soothing the sharper edges of my mood. I’m not a big fan of overhead lights, so I have several lamps on creating multiple warm pools of lights surrounded by inviting shadows. My house is clean & tidy, the washing has been done and all I want to do before floating up to bed is write my blog post and decide what new book I’m going to start reading tomorrow.

It being Halloween (or so I’m reliably informed, but the Celebrations that I bought for trick or treaters will need to find an alternative home as a rather impressive storm seems to have scared them off) I felt that demons and monsters would make a great theme for today’s post.

The imagination of humans is extraordinary. Over time we’ve created some amazing mythology around monsters and demons. This dates back to the first days of human communication and is not, as some might believe, a product of Hollywood. In past stories were spread from person to person, from tribe to tribe and eventually, once we discovered the world beyond our own respective shores, by sailors and other travellers. As these stories moved around they evolved (as any game of Chinese whispers will demonstrate) so that the mythology of different countries and religions can often seem similar but different as they are adapted to fit with the local culture or even the motivations of the storyteller. The only consistent component of these stories is man himself. After all, a story requires a narrator: it can’t exist independently of us.

This sends my thought back to my blog about the magic and power of words. Positive words breed positive thoughts and emotions. So why do we create monsters? Strange creatures that hide in dark corners, wait for us under our beds, suck our blood, eat our brains or steal our souls. Why do we need these creatures? Personally I have plenty of monsters lurking inside my head which make the imaginary external ones seem positively fluffy by comparison. Is that why we need to invent these personifications of evil? Does it help us cope with the bad things that can happen to us? If we scare ourselves silly with these stories, does it make our day to day gremlins less intimidating by comparison?

I don’t know the answers to these questions. I just like to ponder them gently. See what they stir up in my mind. I can only assume that they originated as a means to explain the bad things, like disease, that could happen to us, back in a time when medical science did not exist or was in its infancy. But despite all the things that we’ve learned since about ourselves these creatures continue to thrive and grow. I find that very interesting. Science can’t replace our love of stories. Fact and fiction will always sit side by side.

In the interests of complete honesty I must stop procrastinating and confess that this has been a tough week for me. I’ve felt like a squatter in my own body for a very long time and my squat has decided that enough is enough. I’ve been de-prioritising my physical well-being for far too long and am now paying for it.

The problem is that my inner monsters are masters of misdirection. I have one monster in particular, the one that likes to swear at me and tell me I’m useless, that has been encouraging me to throw all my energy and emotions into my work. Tapping into my fear that, because I’m working through depression, I’m not good enough at my job, this monster has driven me to work harder and harder: to stress more and more about the quality of my work; driving me to not just meet, but exceed, my clients’ expectations.

This has created an unsustainable cycle of nervous exhaustion that means that I inevitably keel over because I’m physically not strong enough to work myself that hard. Plus, they don’t half love to pile on the work at my current company and there is no one to defend me from this, as the monster discourages me from simply saying “no it can’t be done.” To make the cycle all the more pernicious, my sense of inadequacy is fuelled by my frequent collapses, as my monster lurks by my bed whispering about my failings and how no-one wants some sickly piss-taker working for them.

That sets the context for this week. On Thursday I suffered from dizziness and palpitations. I’d been working like a fiend to finish a project for that Thursday and the deadline had just been moved back on the Wednesday. I think this was the aftershock. My energy had dropped to scarily low levels and I couldn’t get out of bed. I aimed to work in the afternoon instead but no can do, the more I worried about not working, the more stressed I became and the worse I felt. By the Friday I couldn’t keep my eyes open. I gave in to the collapse and slept like the dead until 7pm. I woke because the cat was meowing at me, clearly worried and probably hungry. I got out of bed for a few hours before going back for another full night’s sleep. By Saturday morning I was feeling much more human but my monster has been very vocal all weekend.

I have 3 weeks left in this job and I am determined to tie everything up, make sure I sort out everything that I can and pass the baton on knowing that I’m leaving things in good order. My monster feels that I should go beyond this and really kick work arse over the next 3 weeks: “show them you aren’t a useless slacker” it tells me and “you can make up for being sick by working late and at the weekends, if you do that it will be OK” and “come on, you have 3 weeks left to show them how good you are”.

To this monster I say “stop it!” I already work weekends and bring work home with me on a regular basis, why do I still think I have something to prove? I’ve had the flexibility of working from home recently (due to the big document I was writing but also as I’m working my notice period and I’ve noticed I’m left pretty well alone so long as I deliver on everything), which has been great as I get the opportunity to really concentrate on my work. Working in an open plan office with a very lively team of rather wonderful people isn’t conducive to concentration. I love it the rest of the time but when you actually need to get stuff done, you can’t be there to answer everyone’s questions. The monster likes to tell me that this is bad, that I should be in the office where people can watch me working and appreciate my dedication.

I am determined to leave this monster behind when I go to my new job. New beginnings and a healthier me, that is all I can hope for. But hope isn’t enough. I need to actively exorcise this demon. So, does anyone have any advice about how I can ensure that I remember that my needs are more important than those of the company that pays my salary? I’m not saying I want to slack off but any tips on how to keep fit and healthy while working in a very busy industry would be gratefully received.

Having re-read this post I've realised that the spirit of this post is still very much in the monster's hands. I'm asking for help to be a more productive worker and I'm not being motivated by concerns about my health. Wow, that is something that I really need to work on!

It's a wonderful life

The title of today’s post is a reference to the Frank Capra masterpiece and is not a hallelujah statement I’m using in an attempt to convince you depression was just a phase and I’m awash with happiness (cue me, a mountain, a very long panning shot and a sound of music twirl). I am very much thinking of that rather wonderful film that has become a Christmas staple on TV sets all around the world as I had a mini George Bailey moment this week and it felt disconcerting but great.

I didn’t get a visit from an angel working to earn his wings, the circumstances were distinctly more ordinary as I was at a media function, consuming a few wines and chatting to people: all part of my training plan to exercise my social muscles. I bumped into a lady that I’ve probably met a sum total of 2-3 times across my career and we always enjoy really good, meaningful conversation (as opposed to standard media function mindless chit chat and gossip). I hadn’t seen her in over a year given my reclusive tendencies but it was great to say hi again. Much to my surprise she thanked me profusely for some advice I’d given her that she had really taken to heart. I won’t go into the details but I was really astonished to realise that I’d had such a profound impact on her. It turns out that my advice was spot on and really helped her through some difficult times.

She left me feeling rather gobsmacked and bit a humbled. Think of all the times that you’ve shared your thoughts and opinions and imagine if everyone started doing what you advised them to? You’d probably talk a lot less given the extra pressure (well if you had any sense).

So someone really listened to what I was saying, they decided it made sense and they took it on board with great results. If I hadn’t gone to this media function and bumped into her again, I may never have known the impact that I had on her life.

The timing was particularly poignant, learning that someone was feeling such gratitude towards me around the same time that I was feeling smothered by futility and apathy. As anyone who has experienced depression can testify, there are times when you would happily wish yourself out of existence because you start to believe that you have no value. This is not to be confused with suicidal tendencies (although if you know anyone going through this, alarm bells should definitely be ringing if they feel their life is pointless) but can be a precursor. It can feel as if this weight is too heavy to carry, particularly as apathy is a master energy devourer.

Now that my eyes are open again and I’m not looking through a fog of self-loathing, it is amazing what evidence I’ve found that I do make a difference and if I weren’t around the world would be worse off. Think of all those times that you’ve shared a joke while buying a coffee, chatted to a taxi driver about world politics, listened to a friend or colleague that has needed to vent, thanked the bus driver, chatted to the checkout girl etc. Our contribution to the world isn’t just measured by our own life changing moments, but also by the millions of little moments that many of us simply sleepwalk through. I love those little moments when you brush across other people’s lives.

What I’m trying to convey is that I now believe that you can’t measure or judge the meaning of your life based on the big events. Life isn’t about awards, certificates, promotions or ceremonies. It is what happens in between and the energy that you carry around with you. Be aware of what you are putting out there as you never know who is going to pick it up and run with it.

So in the interest of generating some positive energy and given the filmic theme this week, I’ve been thinking about the 3 films that were written for me. By “written for me”, I’m referring to films I’ve enjoyed so much the creators must have designed them just for me. It was a challenge to settle on 3, but here they are (in no particular order):

- Stardust
- Pan’s Labyrinth
- Grosse Point Blank

What are the 3 films that were made of you?

I will close my weekly post by letting you know that I am doing really well. I hope that you all are too.

What do you call yourself?

WARNING, the following post contains rather colourful language. In other words I swear A LOT!!!

A big thank you to everyone that got in touch with me after last week’s blog post. I was quite overwhelmed by how positive, open and honest the responses have been. It would seem that honesty provokes honesty and it is comforting to share my journey with so many strong and sympathetic people.

One particular message really made me think about the kind of language I use when talking about depression, particularly in terms of trying to “beat it”. I will share the piece of advice I was given because it prompted me to think about the language that I use when thinking of myself.

In essence the advice was: the more you fight something, the stronger it becomes. Rather than trying to fight depression, you should learn to accept it. It is once you learn to accept yourself and what you are going through, that you will find yourself able to move through it.

Wow, this really got the “little grey cells” in an uproar because it is true, the language I use when thinking about the journey ahead naturally tends to aggressive, action filled terms: “fighting”, “battling”, “tackling”, “beating”, “overcoming”, “taking on”, etc.

Now that I’m conscious of this, I’m stretching my brain to come up with other ways to describe my current state of flux. As a result you’ll see me using “journey” a lot, as that is my fall back word until I find more descriptors that I feel comfortable with. I suppose I should be expressing myself using words like “evolution”, “progression”, “development” and if I’m feeling really optimistic “adventure”.

Hopefully if I can radically change my mindset I won’t feel constantly exhausted anymore. Being “at war” with oneself takes up far too much energy that could be used much more productively. However, to be successful in this mission I quickly realised that it wasn’t just how I addressed depression that was the issue. My inner dialogue is riddled with negativity.

After suffering from a migraine on Tuesday I missed a day of work. Here are some snippets of the thoughts jumping through my mind before I reined them in: “shit you’re pathetic”, “not again you fucking useless bitch”, “what the fuck is wrong with you?” That is just a small handful of the thoughts I send my way once the migraine started to wear off and I realised that I’d missed a day of work to illness, at a time when I’m really busy at work (yes, yes I know I’m leaving but I wasn’t kidding in my last post when I said I have a pathological issue with letting people down).

Have you ever taken time to notice how you are speaking to yourself? Are you like me, do you berate yourself harshly every time you are less than perfect? Having noticed that I do it now, I realise just how often I do it (every time I’m running late earns me an internal “fuck you’re useless” and sadly that is most days). No wonder I’m depressed. While Sartre may have said that “hell is other people”, I would have to disagree with him as I’m perfectly capable of creating my own hell, with no need for other people to contribute.

So I hope you will join me in being mindful of the energy & words that you are directing at yourself. Remember to be generous and kind to yourselves. We aren’t supposed to be perfect. Let’s face it, if we ever came face to face with perfection it would probably scare the shit out of us. Words have a lot of power, they are almost magical. I want to harness that power to change my own inner critic into an ambassador for me. If I can enter into a healthy diplomatic relationship with myself, there is every chance that instead of battling depression I’ll be in the throes of an exciting new adventure. That’s the plan anyway.

Last week I set my self specific goals, so I want to take a quick look at how I’m doing against them:

(1) Kindness to self: I’m going to give myself a gold star here. For next week though I need to look after my physical & not just my mental well-being

(2) Personal development: another positive week here. I’ve even bought myself a guitar and am embracing my passion for music in a more active way

(3) Interaction with others: again a good week. Had friends round for lunch yesterday, went out to cinema with a friend & I went to see Rufus Wainwright in concert on Thursday (he was incredible by the way). So not just hiding out at home with Louis.

(4) Work: I’m still letting myself stress about it far too much but I’m not letting it take over my life so some positive movement here.

So in the spirit of personal kindness, I really need to pat myself on the back, I did alright this week. While I can still hear a cynical voice in my head saying “yeah, well it’s only week 1 you dopey bitch and you still haven’t managed to actually exercise”, at least I now know to tell that smug, opinionated little voice to shut the fuck up!

The Good, The Bad and The Fat

My blog has been a victim of my inability to balance work & life. It hasn’t been the only victim. Other areas of my life that have been hit are responses to the emails I’ve had from friends back home, around 90% of my non-work related social life, keeping up with my twitter network, my creative writing and my health. Admittedly, that last one is a major worry so something needs to give.

The good news is that I’ve taken positive action and will be starting a new job on 1st December. The bad news is that two consistent ingredients remain the same in my on-going diet of work, work and more work. Those are working in media and me. I love working in media and I can’t escape me, so those are two ingredients that I need to work with.

So moving forward I will be very much focusing on developing me. Many (but not all) of you will know that among the challenges that I face at the moment, I’m fighting an on-going battle with depression. This is no doubt having a major impact on my work/life balance as so much of my energy over the past couple of years has been focused on functioning within the workplace. I’m definitely in a much stronger and more self aware space now, thanks to some fabulous friends and a very wise analyst. So I’m ready to take the bull by the horns to realise that being great at my job (which I am unashamedly proud of given the emotional wars I’ve being fighting) is not enough for me. It isn’t my life goal. If I want to have a full and meaningful life that should be about 33.333333333333% of my life balance not 90%+ as it currently stands.

To make it even more frustrating I am armed with all the tools that I need but I don’t seem to use them. In the battle between wise and emotion mind (to steal terms that my analyst uses to work out what drives me to do the things I do), my emotion mind keeps winning and frankly my emotion mind is more than a little dysfunctional. So while I keep getting more and more stressed and fat (food is my drug of choice, when it comes to self medicating), there is a part of me that sees everything I’m doing wrong but it is bound and gagged, unable to stop me.

I’m officially setting that part of me free now and will be using this space to keep tabs on it. I’ll be scoring my efforts on the following aspects:

(1) Kindness to self
a. Am I eating right and getting exercise?
b. Am I doing things to help me manage my stress/depression e.g meditation, yoga, walking somewhere beautiful & simply enjoying the view?

(2) Personal development
a. Am I taking time out to do the things I’m passionate about?
b. Am I taking advantage of the opportunities around me?

(3) Interaction with others
a. Am I spending time with people that I love rather than hiding at home with the cat?
b. Am I taking advantage of opportunities me new and interesting people?

(4) Work
a. Am I working hard but not taking it home?
b. If the hours are crazy (reality is that is unavoidable at times) am I still taking time out to look after myself?

My analyst says that keeping a diary of triggers and what you do can really help in terms of development. The problem is that if I do write one, I’ll simply slack off after about 2 weeks because I’m the only one that reads it. However I have a pathological problem with letting other people down which I might as well take advantage of. So here is my pledge. I will update this blog weekly with brutally honest updates on how I’m doing at achieving my goals. All I ask is that you all think about how you could make yourselves happier and healthier people and let me know how you are going in that quest.

This is the inaugural post of what I hope will become a source of strength for those who want to lead better and more balanced lives. Remember, being selfless is unhealthy but society seems to encourage it. Just say no!! Take time to think about what you need for you. Otherwise all you will be doing is worrying about whether you are doing enough for everyone else and that is a road that leads straight to depression.

My first progress update will be posted 16th October. That is my commitment to me! That and the determination to have as much fun as possible along the way!

Please give generously

Hi All,

I'm not sure if you are aware of One Water but they are a fabulous charity that do a lot of great humanitarian work.

Our company is supporting them this Friday and we are doing a mass company Walkathon to raise as much money as possible. We are hoping to be able to pay for at least two water pumps to be installed. It feels great to be using work time to support such a good cause. As I've been away I'm late on calling out for donations but I'm hoping that you will support me as I walk through the Sydney heat this Friday PM.

While I'll be able to pop into a pub or pick up a bottle of water if I get thirsty, there are many people in this world that have to walk much further without any access to clean water at all.

I'm sure you will all agree that this is a fabulous charity to support! You can donate by going through the link below & following the instructions given:

http://www.onedifference.org/home-aus

Instructions:
Click on GroupM Walkathon button on the right hand side of the page

Enter my name (Stephanie Ressort) in "which participant do you want to support?" - please just enter my first name then wait and pick from the drop down menu

Enter amount of how much want to sponsor and fill in your details

Click on donate by PayPal - this will take you to PayPal websiteLog in to PayPal, if you do not have a PayPal account, please click on continue by "Don't have a PayPal account?" on the left hand side

Enter in your credit card or bank details and donate!

Thanks so much for all your support my lovely friends, family and readers!